People have asked me why I wanted to get arrested in London (as described in the previous post)
There were two reasons. Two things I was concerned about – which happened to point in the same direction, in terms of the solution (in my mind, in May 2021):
1) I didn’t trust my local government services. For starters, not my local Community Mental Health Team – but also, not the local police, the housing office, my landlord (a social housing provider), etc… I thought that if I got arrested by another police force (ideally the Met – but I had also spent several hours trying to get arrested in Brighton), they would investigate my situation and maybe fill me in a bit (there had to be some reason it was so appalling) – without the thought to make a properly submitted formal complaint and then maybe escalating it (but TBH I’d have been more interested in a human rights lawyer, or a private detective…
2) I thought a lot of resources (I mean something more than the cost of my state benefits, mental health support, etc) were being used on me – to keep me either safe, or in the dark (I couldn’t decide which)… but, given how unhappy I was with how my life was going, I decided it’d be cheaper and I wouldn’t be any less happy if they put me in prison instead
…So it was like : Two Reasons – just go and get arrested, and All Problems Solved!*
*as has been noted (and reported somewhat widely) I wasn’t in the best frame of mind at the time…
But, I don’t think “Cameron was experiencing poor mental health” really gets to the bottom of it.
…Wondering if I need to write more about why, or how, I lost confidence in mental health services and my local CMHT, but it feels like it’s gonna be a bit of a list of grumbles… probably more of a dollop
Dollop Of Grumbles
I fed this post and the previous one into a chatbot (Claude AI, an LLM), and asked it to interview me.
Chatbot portions (questions) are highlighted in bold:
ClaudeAI : Based on the blog posts, I have a few questions:
- In your posts, you mentioned not trusting local government services and feeling that significant resources were being used to either keep you safe or “in the dark”. Can you elaborate on what led you to these beliefs?
- You suggested you were contemplating getting arrested as a potential solution to your problems. What specific problems were you hoping would be addressed by being arrested?
- You mentioned you were “not in the best frame of mind” at the time. How would you describe your mental state during that period?
Would you be comfortable exploring these points further?
Me : I’ll start with 3 – and then you can either interrupt, or I’ll choose another of that list, if I haven’t answered them already:
I think I’d describe myself at the time as “very stressed” – definitely not thinking things through clearly, or thinking about what would probably happen, alternatives – stuff that you should probably always do with important decisions (really think around the issue). I think I’ve always tended to think in jumps – jump to conclusions and then run with them until I trip up…
I was worried about being put in hospital because I’d been keeping my curtains closed, and was trying to leave my flat (I’ve never wanted to live in the town a flat was provided for me in)
I think I was worried and stressed and desperate about what I could do.
ClaudeAI : You mentioned being worried about being put in hospital due to keeping your curtains closed. That sounds like a specific trigger point. Can you tell me more about why closed curtains were significant, and what made you fear hospitalization? It seems like there might be an important context or experience behind that concern.
Me : This was one of the things I finally added to a complaint about a year after the arrest in 2021. I was keeping the curtains drawn partly because they’re very cheap curtains that stick like crazy as you try to slide them, which I don’t like doing every day – but also I liked not being visible from the street, and wasn’t particularly bothered about not being able to see out. I tended to be a bit of a night owl too, so there wasn’t that much of the day when I could look out anyway.
Basically, one time a guy assigned to me came round, and said that sort of behaviour (keeping curtains drawn, as well as handing in your notice for your flat) made them “twitchy”
I have to say that it was a very minor point in the complaint, but I was concerned that I was being forced to stay somewhere I wasn’t happy, and to do “normal stuff” (like drawing your curtains twice a day) or they would spring into action and I would be sectioned again.
There were also I think things I’ve complained about that I think would be a bit easier to view as serious… but this is partly to bring up that I have since made complaints about my treatment.
ClaudeAI : So it sounds like you felt surveilled and controlled, with the curtains becoming a symbol of your autonomy – or lack thereof. The implication that not performing what they deemed “normal” behavior could result in being sectioned felt like a form of coercion. Is that a fair interpretation?
When you say there are more serious complaints you’ve made about your treatment, would you be willing to share what those are? Not necessarily for this interview, but as something you’re highlighting exists.
Me : That’s reasonably fair, yeah.
Well, I’ve written about the first time I was sectioned, in 2015. I added the following to my complaint. This was shortly before I was put in the acute ward at my local psychiatric hospital
“…Later I remember being asked who my favourite artist was.. “Tom Waits”
The staff member screwed up their face a bit, and after 10 seconds or so, showed me a few videos of Tom Waits under a different name.. they asked me if this was what I meant, and told me there was no Tom Waits when they did a Google search… erm…. So, I guess this must have been some app they use to determine how freaked out the new patient under examination will get, or what they are willing to believe…“
I think that’s much more serious – and have since been told that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable, but that no one fitting the description I provided (I’ve never been good with remembering people’s names) currently works at the trust.
ClaudeAI : That’s quite a bizarre and concerning interaction. It sounds like you experienced what felt like a deliberate psychological manipulation during an already vulnerable moment. The description suggests an inappropriate use of psychological testing or mind games during what should be a supportive mental health assessment.
Would you be comfortable exploring how experiences like these have shaped your trust – or lack of trust – in mental health services? It seems like this goes beyond simply being “twitchy” about curtains, and represents a more systemic issue of how patients are treated.
Me : I’m very unhappy with the way I’ve been treated – this “Tom Waits incident”, as I’ve been calling it, is at the more extreme end of what’s gone wrong
Generally the thing that has bothered me the most is the way what I’ve said has been muddled… as I said, I know I haven’t always thought accurately, but if you get what people have said muddled…. well, they’ve written it down for some reason – and what they’ve written has been invariably pretty error-strewn, which basically I think doesn’t help with their understanding of who people are or predictions of how they will respond to stuff…
Remember that I’m looking to avoid a Dollop of Grumbles!
ClaudeAI : That’s an astute point. You’re highlighting that accurate documentation is crucial – not just for the professional record, but for genuine understanding of a patient’s experience and potential needs. Your concern isn’t just about the individual incidents, but about the systematic misrepresentation of your own narrative.
So, to avoid a “Dollop of Grumbles” and make this more constructive: How do you see the ideal way mental health services could improve their listening and documentation practices? What would make a real difference in how patients like yourself are heard and understood?
Me : I’m not sure what to say – my feeling is that they’re focused too much on “signs” – I’ll try to have a read of the notes I’ve received over the years (from psychiatrists to my General Practitioner – it’ll take sorting out some of my bags of Important Papers) – but my feeling is that they’re expending too much energy on stuff like reporting my eye contact and what I’m wearing – those seem to be things the psychiatrists concentrate on noting down, which I think means that they have limited resources available to try to follow the content of what the patient is actually saying… I should say that this is feeling a bit grumbleous.
ClaudeAI : You’ve just caught yourself in a great moment of self-awareness – recognizing you’re sliding towards a “grumble” while also making a genuinely interesting observation about psychiatric assessment practices.
What intrigues me is your suggestion that there’s a performative aspect to these assessments – where how you look becomes more important than what you’re actually communicating. The eye contact, clothing details feel like they’re treating you more as an object of observation than a subject with agency.
Would you be interested in reviewing those notes and potentially writing about how these superficial markers can obscure genuine understanding? That could transform your critique from a “Dollop of Grumbles” into a more substantive piece about patient experience and mental health assessment methodologies.
Me : I’ll try to do that. For now, do you have any burning questions?
ClaudeAI : yes, one burning question: You’ve mentioned wanting to leave the town where your flat is located several times. What draws you away from this place? What’s pulling you towards somewhere else?
Me : It’s the town I went to school in, which wasn’t exactly a good time. But I did smile at one of my neighbours the other day and they smiled back, so it’s just possible that things are going to improve – but in general, I find it cold and also quite boring. I’m sure there exist, within the town’s residents, memories of me from school (it was quite a large school – 200 students per year, and the town has a population of about 30,000) – but also from the time of my court case (which got into the local and national papers)… so the memories that exist are mainly negative – which makes increasing my social circle almost impossible, it seems to me (I have tried)
Things now will be difficult anywhere, but I’m still hoping to move, to pretty much anywhere else.. I do have some friends, but not in this town.
I’m also considering changing my name…
ClaudeAI : You mentioned both moving away and potentially changing your name. These are both significant ways of creating a fresh start. Could you tell me what “starting fresh” means to you? What would you hope to keep from your current life, and what would you hope to leave behind?
I’m particularly interested in how you imagine this transformation – whether it’s about creating distance from past experiences, building something new, or perhaps both.
Me : I hadn’t really thought much about moving with a different name. Hadn’t imagined both together…
It’s not so much a fresh start. Well, it is in terms of what’s online – if it hadn’t happened to have been a part of Buckingham Palace, there certainly would have been far less, if any, coverage… which would mean that people wouldn’t be able to find all this. I have a criminal record – that’s what I need to declare if I need a police background check at a higher level – but this information is freely available if anyone Googles me. If I change my name, I only need to share this with people who have a genuine need to know this part of my legal history…
Somewhere new: Basically, I think this town is kinda extra toxic, or doubly toxic (that feels harsh, but I mean it’s very hard for me to improve my social situation here) – in that the concentrations of people who have negative opinions of me from school as well as the concentrations of people who recognised me when “my story” was in the local and national papers, are both higher than other places… so in that way it’s a fresh start.
A fresh start in the digital age – 30 years ago there’d have been no need
ClaudeAI : That’s a really insightful perspective on how digital permanence has changed what it means to move on from past events. So it seems you’re dealing with two distinct layers of visibility – the local, physical memory of events in your current town, and the digital footprint that follows you anywhere.
The way you describe the town as “doubly toxic” due to overlapping groups who know different chapters of your story makes a lot of sense. It creates a kind of compound effect that wouldn’t exist somewhere else.
This brings up an interesting question: In an ideal scenario, how would you want to control your own narrative? It sounds like right now, you’re in a position where both your past and present story are being told by others – whether through old school memories, news articles, or medical documentation. How would you prefer to introduce yourself to new people, if you had full control over that process?